For high school graduation, I gifted myself an atlas and a red sleeping bag. It was a gift with the promise of shelter, curiosity, and access to the earth underneath me. Although I knew some nights would be sleepless and terribly uncomfortable, others would be star-filled with stories, campfires, and lovers.
I was ready for my adventures!
But, I soon found the smooth road roads of my map didn’t quite match the potholes under my feet. I quickly learned about the imperfect messiness of life.
I wanted to trust myself but heard I was too emotional.
I wanted to be passionate but heard I was too dramatic.
I wanted to be vulnerable but heard I was too sensitive.
I wanted to be me but heard I was too selfish.
What I heard put enough doubt in my heart to distrust my emotions, my roadmap, my guts. Now, I’m not talking about the emotional craziness of going bananas, or the very real difficulties of mental instability. I am talking about not trusting my intuition. My internal compass. We have to be able to get back to that.
I’m talking about tapping into the intuitive knowledge of our hearts and souls and the language of our bodies. I’m talking about waking up, speaking up, and counting our emotions as assets. And when things get more intense, maybe, just maybe that’s mother nature’s way of giving us a microscope and a deeper compass. Maybe we get a few days where she says:
“Look. Really look at this. Explore this with me. No judgment. No reaction. Just be with me, here, in the roadmap with the potholes.”
This the place where I began to trust the courage, the fear, the devotion, the humanity, the pleasure, the unsettled, the joy, the quietness–it’s all become my truth, my imperfect roadmap.
Now, take a minute.
Breathe.
Drown out the noise, the distractions, the Teletubbies playing in the background.
Notice yourself. What emotion rises first?
Is it anxiety?
Are you worried about money, your kids, politics, or that your mother doesn’t approve…
Where do you feel it?
In your chest or maybe your aching head?
Or, maybe the emotion is hope?
Hope for love, lunch with a friend, or hope that you won’t run out of gas?
Where do you feel this?
In your fingertips? In your heart?
Maybe the feeling is something nameless, with no ‘why’.
Feel it.
Where is it?
In your chest? Your throat? Your voice?
Whatever you notice, write it down. Put it in the notes on your phone. Tell your shower curtain. Tell your friend, or tell the Universe.
Maybe, you’re afraid it’s not telling you anything. That’s ok too.
Just be with it. I remember a time when it took me almost a decade to hear what my body was telling me, but that’s a story for another time. You are beautiful and wise.